Tag Archives: asshat

I’m Super Creepy

1 Jun

I’m not ashamed to admit it: I’m kinda nosy. I like to know what people are doing. I like to keep tabs on my neighbors. I like to watch people. I think it’s the psychology major in me acting out.

Luckily for me, my apartment has a lot of windows. I can see into no fewer than 5 backyards from various locations in my apartment and into numerous front yards, driveways, and windows. I try to not actually stare into people’s houses, but sometimes I just can’t help myself…I also like to make up stories about all of the people in my neighborhood because I don’t actually know any of them.

Anyway, I digress. I’ve seen a lot of interesting goings-on out of my windows over the years. Here are the most memorable things I’ve seen:

This morning, I saw a squirrel being chased by two very mean looking birds. I was not aware that birds and squirrels paid any attention to each other. The chase went on for quite some time and was very noisy. I felt bad for the squirrel. It looked like the birds were pecking him.

I creepishly watched two super cute boys install a hot tub in their yard a few falls ago. Also, when their bulldog wandered out of their yard and into mine, I ran the fastest I’ve ever run to go retrieve the dog and thus meet the boys. The boys and I have not spoken since that meeting, but I still talk to the dog through my kitchen window whenever he’s in the yard. His name is Gus. He’s super lazy.

There was a hawk in my backyard a few months ago. That was pretty cool. I really wanted to go outside and see him up close, but I refrained. He had a very pointy beak.

One of the boys mentioned above at one point had a girlfriend. I saw her in the yard one weekday afternoon with a man who did NOT live in the house. I haven’t seen her since. Scandal? I like to think so.

Last August, I watched the idiots across the street from me take their baby out for a walk during a hurricane. Ok, really it was a tropical storm by that point, but the wind was still strong enough to take down huge trees. It was clearly not the best time to bring the baby outside. Later that day, I saw said baby crawling around on the wet sidewalk semi-unsupervised. And then I literally laughed out loud at the man as he tried to back down our one-way street (which was closed due to one of the aforementioned trees falling down) because I assume he thought he would get in trouble for driving forward (which would normally be the wrong way). He almost backed right up onto the sidewalk and into our stone wall. I was standing outside while laughing at him, too. His wife saw me. “Just turn around, asshat. You’re a terrible driver,” is what I wanted to say, but I figured that’s not the best way to make friends. Not that I want to be friends with these people. They’re currently in the middle of a landscaping project that’s somehow covered our whole street in mud. Gross. Plus, they have a small child. It’s probably sticky.

A week or two ago, I saw a cat wander into the yard right outside my bedroom window. I started talking to her and she stared right back at me. Intently. For a long time. I kept waiting for her to turn into Professor McGonagall, but she didn’t.  I was disappointed.

The boys on the other side of the house give me headaches. Literally. They insist on playing that stupid game where you throw bean bags at a hold in a board. They play it for HOURS on end. All summer. Right outside my bedroom window. Thump. Thump. THUMP. It’s the most obnoxious game ever invented. A few weeks ago when one of them could not get their lawnmower to work properly, I laughed evilly as payback. While I was staring out the window at him.

I kept a close eye on the yard remodel of the ladies next door. They had a lovely, stone patio installed. I was super excited for them when they got a new compost bin. I want to ask them if I can use it, but that would require admitting that I stare out my window at them all the time. They do seem to enjoy their dinners out on the patio…

Yes, I did feel creepy while I was writing this. But, hey, if a “Rear Window” type of situation ever happens on my block, I’ll be the first to know!

Song of the Day: Voyeur by Blink 182

So, this happened…

21 Mar

Background: Douchebag is a guy I met last summer and went out with a few times. We had fun; he seemed really sweet, smart, interested, etc. He’s a student in the healthcare industry and was always “busy” studying for an exam, always had friends in town, always had some excuse as to why we couldn’t go out again- but he never failed to text message at least once every one or two weeks to see how I was, say we should hang out soon, blah, blah, blah. I haven’t seen him since October. It’s now March. The whole “I’ll text message you but not actually commit to anything” thing was getting on my nerves.  And then this happened:

Douchebag (group text message to me and 3 other phone numbers):
Happy St Patty’s Day Babe!!

Me (to group):
Ummm, you do realize that you sent that to multiple people, right?

Douchebag (to group):
Haha yeah Hun 🙂
Doing anything for St Patty’s?

Me (to group):
It’s not funny

Douchebag (to group):
What do you mean Hun? I refer to all my friends who are girls by Hun if that is what you are referring to. I think you have me misunderstood.

Confused girl (to me):
Hey, this is totally random, but I saw your response on that text thread with Douchebag. I’ve been dating him for a little while and now I’m wondering if I’m not the only one.

Me (to Confused girl):
Sorry. He texts me every week seeing if I want to hang out.

Me (to group):
You’re an ass. Sorry to the girl who thinks you’re dating. Please stop texting me.
And, yes, I’m having a fantastic St. Patty’s day

Confused girl (to me):
Thanks so much, I’m loving your responses on the mass texts. He apparently doesn’t know how to use his new iPhone.

Me (to Confused girl):
He’s an asshat.
In all honesty, I haven’t seen him since October, but he texts me all the time.

Confused girl (to me):
That’s kinda creepy. Maybe he should get his eyes checked and realize he texted all of us at once LOL

Me (to Confused girl):
I think he has no idea

Douchebag (to group):
I’m sorry you feel that way. Just so you know, you’ve completely misunderstood me. Thanks for making assumptions.

Me (to group):
You know everyone you sent this to can see that, right? All the numbers you texted? And all the responses?

Douchebag (to group):
Good for you

Me (to group):
I didn’t do it

Douchebag (to me):
I just want you to realize that you made an assumption that made you look like an ass. Great job.

Me (to Douchebag):
Nope. You look like one. Have a great day.

Douchebag (to me):
Good riddance

Confused girl (to group):
Yeah, we all know that you texted three different girls the same thing. And we can see all of the responses.

Douchebag (to group):

And that’s where it ended.  I have since received two very apologetic text messages from Douchebag about his selfishness, actions, and his desire to meet up so he can explain things to me.  Yeah, that’s not going to happen.  And now I know why he was always so busy.  I’m sure dating multiple girls at the same time can get stressful.

The moral of this story: never send group text messages. It can get ugly.  Also, boys can be jerks.

Song of the day: The Dirty Glass by Dropkick Murphys