Archive | July, 2014

How To Become A Classy Lady In 25 Simple Steps:

23 Jul

1. Wear a nice dress to work on Friday. You have to give presentations and you should look the part! Bonus points if someone tells you that you look fabulous, plus 10 extra points if that person is a gay man. Gay men know fabulous when they see it.

2. Go out for after work drinks. Happy hour is where it’s at. Wear your nude patent leather heels out to happy hour because your only alternative is ratty flip flops that don’t look cute with your nice dress.

3. Drink a huge beer. (Beer? WHAT IS GOING ON???)

4. Drink two smaller beers. (It’s at least girly beer)

5. Start stealing sips of your friends’ beer. (They aren’t drinking girly beer)

6. Accept the Corona that is purchased for you, even though you profess to not drink beer, which is clearly not true. (See above)

7. Decide it’s a good idea for everyone to whip out their Tinder apps and look at each other’s matches.

Side note: Yes, I’m using Tinder. I’m not ashamed to admit it. It allows me to judge people based solely on appearance, which is one of my most favorite things to do. I haven’t had any strange/noteworthy encounters yet, but I’m fully prepared to share them here if I do. I have a friend who has gone on some CRAZY dates with people she met on Tinder, including a guy who thought pajama pants were acceptable date attire. I hope to acquire similar stories someday soon.

8. Let your friend send messages to your Tinder matches for you without getting your approval before he hits send. This will either end well or really, really badly.

9. Realize that it is suddenly 10:00 pm, that you haven’t eaten dinner yet, and that the only thing that will satisfy your sudden hunger is a sandwich from Subway.

10. Pay your tab, say your goodbyes, and run across the street, in your heels, holding your friend’s hand, to catch the bus that’s about to arrive.

11. Snap a quick selfie with your friend at the bus stop while the bus driver sits there with the door open, waiting for you.

12. Try not to stare at the crazy people who ride the bus at 10:00 on Friday nights. You are one of them.

13. Get off the bus at the Subway stop, fingers crossed that they’re open until 11:00.

14. Find out they closed at 10:00. Allow yourself to be heartbroken for 7.2 seconds.

15. Head down the street to the pizza place that is still open. It’s one of those places that has EVERYTHING on their menu, so they’ll be able to provide you with a delicious sub.

16. Order a large sub because you are super hungry and because why not?

17. Decide on your walk home that you need a soda. And chips. You will not survive without chips.

18. You also will not survive if you don’t start eating your sub RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE. Unwrap it and eat several bites during the 3 minute walk to CVS. Ignore the stares of other people on the sidewalk. If they had a delicious sub in their hands, they’d be eating while walking, too.

19. Wrap your sub up before you actually go in to CVS. Eating while walking around CVS would not be classy.

20. Make your purchases and start the walk home, still in your heels. Real ladies stay in their heels for long walks even when going barefoot would be much more comfortable.

21. Continue eating your sub on the walk home. You won’t make it home if you don’t. You need the fuel.

22. Arrive home, at last, and change out of the nice dress and high heels into pajamas.

23. Sit on your bed; resume chowing down on your sub whilst watching Modern Family.

24. Since it’s late, and you’ve been drinking, eventually you may feel the urge to pass out. It’s ok. Don’t fight it.

25. Wake up 10 to 15 minutes later, with your sub still sitting in front of you. Without hesitation, scoop up the sub and continue eating.

Congratulations. You are now the classiest of ladies.

This post is clearly sarcasm free. I hope you picked up on that.

I’m awesome.

Song of the Day: The Way You Make Me Feel by Michael Jackson