I’m pretty sure the internet has given me ADD. I’m amazed that I ever get anything done. Ever. Here’s the monologue that is typically running through my head. Every. Single. Day.
9 am. Hmmm. I’m not feeling very motivated. Let’s just check the internet for a second before I settle in to work. Open up Firefox. GMail! Oh, no new messages except for sale notifications from Old Navy. I don’t really need anymore t-shirts. Or do I? You can never have too many t-shirts. Maybe they have some cute dresses. I’ll just go check it out…Oh, look at that dress. It’s pink! I like pink. It’s on sale??? I should totally buy it. I hate everything in my closet. This should spice things up…aaaand purchased. Why am I awesome at finding things at Old Navy? It’s a gift. And a curse.
Now, let’s see what’s what on the Facebook. Woo hoo, a notification! Rachel updated her status. Let’s see what she’s up to. Oh, she posted a photograph with a witty caption. I love those things. Haha. Ooh, what is that person doing? I haven’t thought about him in years. Click. Married??? Another one??? Gosh, I think I really am the last single person left on the planet. Ugh. Maybe I should try online dating again. Nah, that’s too much work. I’d have to go on dates and look cute and have forced, awkward conversations with guys. Gross. Dating is hard. Ok, time to get to work! Wait, maybe I have a new email….check GMail! Oh, nothing again? Weird.
All right, focus. Time to get this report done. Open Excel. Wait, I didn’t check Boston.com. Let’s see if there’s a new Love Letters posted! There is! Blah, another silly girl can’t decide between her relationship and her job. It’s all about balance! You tell her, Meredith. Why do I read this blog every day? Oh, right, because I like hearing about other people’s problems and misfortunes. What does that say about me? Do *I* have a problem? No, judging other people is totally normal. Ok, moving on…what are today’s headlines? Another shooting? Politics are out of control! A little girl is missing. These stories are so depressing. I should stop reading these. Traffic accident on 93 snarls the morning commute. People are crazy drivers! I’m so glad I don’t have to drive to work. Another shark spotted on Cape Cod! Sharks! Ooooh, it’s Shark Week! I should really watch some of that. Google! Great White Sharks…yikes, they’re so big and scary. I don’t like sharks. Why am I looking at pictures of them? Oh, no, that one’s chasing a seal! Swim away, seal, swim away!
Seals are so cute. Cute animals are the best! I haven’t been to the Daily Squee in a while! What’s going on there? A tiny puppy in a teacup? Yes, please! Oh, I should pin this to my animal page on Pinterest. Aaaaand, pinned. Pinterest! I haven’t checked that out in a while. Oh, I can use a hanger to organize my flip flops? Genius! Look at all the things you can clean with Dawn, baking soda, and vinegar! I should really get all that stuff the next time I go grocery shopping. Then I can be a cleaning machine! Oh my god. A recipe for a chocolate milkshake with CHOCOLATE CAKE in it? I want to make the immediately. IMMEDIATELY! Maybe I should get a milkshake at lunch time. No, that’s silly. That’s not a healthy lunch at all.
Ooh, lunch. What time is it? I’m hungry. 9:45??? How can it only be 9:45? I should really, really, really get started on my “To Do” list. Buuuuut, I should also probably check Facebook again, just to see if I missed anything vitally important. Oooh, my mom “liked” that photo I posted yesterday. I should say hi to her. Go to mom’s timeline. Hi Mom! Hiiiii Mom! Look, a trending article about Ryan Lochte? Yes, I WILL read that. Thanks for the suggestion, Facebook. You know what site I haven’t been to yet today? Texts From Last Night. Reading about other people’s drunken mistakes? I love doing that! Oh! What Should We Call Me!!! Haha, look at that duck. “When I’ve ordered food and the doorbell rings”. I do that! That is me! I am that duck! Look how excited he is! I get that excited about food, too. I love this website. So many GIFs! Oh, wait, if I stare at this website for too long it gives me a headache. Bethany! Focus! Ok, seriously, it’s time to work! Maybe I should just check my GMail one more time first…
Man, those hamsters running on wheels in my brain to power it up must be EXHAUSTED.
Song of the Day: Sail by AWOLNATION