Lies I’ve Told

31 May

Geminis are great liars. It’s a common trait. I’m a phenomenal liar. I’ve had lies that have spun out of control and done a lot of damage. However, in honor of my 28th birthday, I’ve decided to list the ridiculous number of white lies I’ve told in my adolescence. Lies that, in retrospect, are incredible and slightly¬†preposterous. Lies that I am certain my parents knew were lies. I can only hope someday my teenage daughter comes to me with these excuses and lies so I can smile a little and let her think she’s winning.

(I apologize in advance, Mom, if some of these are new to you…)

Belly Button Piercing Lie

When I turned 18, I went and got my belly button pierced. I told my mother I was going over Bethany’s house. She came with me and unfortunately had written in my birthday card how excited she was that we were going together to do this. When I got home, I put all my birthday gifts and cards from school on the table and my mother wanted to read them. I saw her reading Bethany’s and froze. She just looked me sitting on the couch and goes “Lift up your shirt.” Now, if you’ve ever gotten a piercing, you know it don’t look pretty at first. It was purple, inflamed, and gross looking. My mother gave me her silent reaction of disapproval that only the best mothers can do and said “Well…you better not get it in infected.” Don’t worry, I totally got it infected a week later

Boys Hockey Sleepover

My high school varsity hockey team won the state championship my sophomore year (yes? I’m old, I forget). There was a huge party at my classmates house filled with lots of underage drinking and chair breaking. It was one of those epic high school parties that movies are written about where everyone was invited and having a great time. The after party for the hockey team was at a player’s house a few neighborhoods away. Alia was dating one of the guys at the time and asked me to come with her. I immediately said yes. So Alia and I went with the boys to the sleepover and spent the night in the basement with parental supervision above us and state champions piled around on couches and pillows. It was entirely innocent minus the wee freshman who we had gotten wasted, (it happens) peeing in the corner of the basement thinking it was the toilet in the middle of the night. I told my mom I was at Alia’s. I was at Alia’s a lot.

Montreal

I can not tell you how many times I said I was at a sleepover but in Montreal at baby’s first strip club.

Car Dent

I dented my beloved Lumina backing out of the driveway. When I realized what I had done, I ignored it and waited for my parents to notice. Once they did, I told them it must have happened in a parking lot. I’m pretty sure my dad watched me run into the mail box a few days earlier so I’m convinced he knew all along. Mail boxes sneak up on you! And it probably was covered in snow and hard to see! Ok. It wasn’t. But that’s a possibility!

Condoms

My mother found a wrapped condom in the pocket of my jeans doing laundry. She came upstairs and threw it at me. I told her it wasn’t opened and therefore not used so she shouldn’t be worried I was having sex. Yeah…it was a spare condom…

Instant Messenger

When AOL was first available to everyone and instant messaging was the coolest, I got carried away. I remember in the beginning, you would find strangers through similar profiles and interests or chat rooms. I had a lot of friends that liked Blink 182 and Third Eye Blind and Britney Spears as I did in my 7th grade lifestyle. I started lying to people. I told several ‘friends’ I knew Mark Hoppus from Blink 182 and hung out with him almost daily. I told one girl I was Britney Spears once and played it off for wayyyyy too long. I was a teenager obsessed with these musicians and all I wanted was to be a roadie or childhood friend who keeps in touch so…I was…in my head… I eventually got caught in every one of my lies, mostly because they got entirely unbelievable and I didn’t have the energy to actually create ‘proof” though I did practice doing Britney’s autograph for a day.

Dog Chain

When we were kids, I hit my brother in the eye with our dog Cody’s chain leash. We were playing in the side yard and he made me mad somehow and I picked it up and threw it at him, not intentionally trying to hit him. But I did. Right above his eye. I could have blinded him. Luckily, I didn’t and told my parents it wasn’t me. It was clear it was me and I was punished for it but to this day, I deny it and say he fell.

Prom

My first love was my date to prom my senior year. We had been dating about a year and we had done everything you do with the first boy you say I love you to except stay in a filthy, roadside motel. Well, check that off for Prom Night! I told my mom that Alia was having people over her place after prom. I think she was in her own lie but I can’t recall. Anyway, we spent the night at this horrifying motel on Shelburne Road that when I drive past now, I cringe. Well, I used to cringe. Now enough time has past it’s comical to me. This hotel was just the epitome of sleeze bucket. It smelled weird, the shower curtain had mold all over it, the TV was bolted hardcore to the wall, and you couldn’t even guess what color the carpet originally was. Perfect! To make matters worst, or actually, more cliche, we had scored a bottle of Bacardi O and vanilla Coke. To this day, I can’t drink Barcardi O or vanilla Coke. I was stupid and drank way too much and vomited the entire night. At least it was a double so we had a puke bed and a sleeping bed. No, I did not clean up my disaster because it actually complimented the room. The next day at home, I spent most of my morning in the bathroom. My parents never said anything and I told them I just didn’t feel well and was tired, but they knew. That was my first and worst hangover ever. I have drunk since, even though I swore I never would. But don’t we all do that?

Kids, sleepovers are the best lies. Sleepovers with parental supervision are even better. What parent can deny you attending a party with parents? Not a one, that’s for sure. I am blessed that I was raised to be responsible and safe and I never got myself into any sticky situations or badly injured. I never drove drunk or high and was smart about all activities involving boys. Sometimes I feel being a grownup is less fun because you can do whatever you want, you don’t need to lie or sneak out the back door or beg for junk food. You are your own parent in most things. Where’s the fun in that?!

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